secrets behind the smile
by fairytailiseverything
Summary: Lucy has extreme depression, anxiety, anorexia and Bulimia. due to this, she suffers with self harm. eventually, natsu finds out about this and Lucy is petrified. Lucy has also been physically and verbally abused by her father, but refused to tell anyone. Natsu is determined to find out what's going on. *trigger warning. (rape, self harm, depression, etc) NALU and much more ships!
1. secrets

I don't own fairy tail (i wish though), but i'm borrowing them for a bit

**These events are before phantom lord attacked the guild

Mira had just told Lucy how natsu got Happy.

"That's such a cute story, but if I may ask, who's that girl that resembles you and elfman?" lucy asks

Mira face slips into a broken, sad expression. "That's Lisanna, my sister…"

"What happened to her?"lucy asks cautiously.

"She passed away about 2 years ago. I know you're going to ask what happened so i'll tell you. The day sh-"

"Don't tell anything you don't feel comfortable saying. If you don't want to tell me I respect that"

"It's okay. The day Lisanna died, Elfman, her and I were going on an S-class mission to defeat this monster thing. While on the mission, Elfman tried the full body take-over. It didn't go so well with his mind being taken over by the beast as well. Lisanna tried to talk him some sense, but he lost control and hit her into a far-away tree. Elfman realized what he had done but the damage had been done. I ran to her as fast as i could, but I i was too slow to save her. She died in my arms." Mira's eyes started to water. "Natsu was broken. He and lisanna we really close. They were a cute couple! But Natsu never once blamed Elfman for his actions, so we both have pretty high respect for him for not getting angry at us."

But lucy didn't hear anything after Mira said that they were a cute couple. She couldn't hear after that. _I knew he had a girlfriend. He doesn't love you. No one could ever love you. You was just leading you on to be nice. You aren't even good enough for him. You're too fat, ugly, stupid, annoying and worthless for his liking or for anyone elses liking for that matter._ She had to get home and fast. Luckily Mira was done talking.

"I'm so sorry about that, but i must be going. Thank you for opening up."

" no problem! See you later."

Lucy see rushed out the door and started running home, tears streaming down her face even when she tried to hold them back. When she got home, she ran straight to her bathroom and stuck 2 fingers down her throat, causing her to gag then throw up. The taste of acid on her tongue was satisfying. Lucy did this everyday when she got home, sometimes when natsu was here, she would use the excuse. I'm not feeling well. When she didn't feel that fat anymore, she turned to the sink. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, totally shattering her last thought. _I still look like a fat pig._ She reached down opening a drawer, reached to the very end of the drawer to find her razors. She grabs one and pulled up her sleeve and slit her wrists. She turned back to the toilet and squeezed her fresh cut causing blood to ooze into the toilet. Relief washed over her for a brief moment only to return back to her previous state: vile disgust towards herself and unexplainable sadness. Therefore she slit her wrist for the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth time. She realized the was overdoing it and it would be difficult to cover these up. So she stopped. She rinsed off the blade and but it back then turned towards them messy blood and puke filled toilet and smiled. Her work here was done. She flushed the toilet and then showered. The cuts stung in the shower but she kept telling herself she deserved it. When finished she put on a pair of pajamas and left the bathroom.

When she left the bathroom natsu and happy were sitting on her sofa. She shrieked. 'GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" she yelled. But natsu only smirked.

Happy replied with " ok! I wanted to go see Charle anyways." so Happy flew out her window. Lucy sighed and walked to her bed and layed down. Then Natsu said" you know it's like 95 outside and it only 3 in the afternoon. So why are you in long sleeved pajamas?"

Lucy started to panic. "I-uh I am at home at 3 in the afternoon because i-uh was exhausted today for some reason and I'm in long sleeved pajamas because they were the first pajamas I grabbed"

"Oh ok. But aren't you hot?"

"Natsu aren't you not supposed to feel like change in weather, especially when it comes to heat?

Besides, why do you care?"

"To answer your first question, no i don't feel heat at all, nor do I really feel cold temperatures either, and to answer your second question I'm your best friend right, i'm allowed to care, don't I?"

"I guess you're right, sorry i overreacted."

"So… are you gonna change?"

"NO YOU PERV!"

Natsu's face when red when he realized what she meant. "No no! I didn't mean it like that! I meant are you gonna change out of your pajamas because it's hot. And in the bathroom not in front of me. Unless… you want to…" he smirked.

"Again.. You're a perv. And no I'm not changing."

"Why not?"

"Because i'm too lazy" _Or i don't want you to see the hideous mess I am and if you ever saw me like this you would be disgusted by the way I look._

"You… being lazy, or even you calling yourself lazy, that's the first." Natsu looks at her suspiciously "That doesn't sound like you. You're keeping something from me."

Lucy's heart started to pick up the pace and lucy's palms started getting sweaty. Natsu noticed this and said "You are! You are! I knew it! I so totally knew it! What is it?"

"No I'm not" Lucy lied but her voice betrayed her and broke. She was on the verge of tears but hid those away until later.

"Luucyyyyy… what are you hiding from meee?"

Natsu sat up from the couch and then started walking towards her. Her heart stopped then to only speed even faster than before. "Natsu! Stop! I'm not hiding anything so please stop!" This lie was a lot more believable but natsu didn't stop moving towards her.

Lucy stood up and crept towards the wall. Once she hit the wall. She had a panic attack. This time she couldn't hide the tears that followed. Natsu stopped at once. "Are-are you crying? Lucy i'm sorry i was just teasing. Please don't cry I'm sorry."

 **Natsu's P.O.V**

As I playfully crept towards her she stood up from her bed and started walking backwards towards the wall. Her heart was racing. Then her back with the wall. I grinned. The trap has been placed. But then she slip down in a sitting position and I noticed the tears welling up in her eyes. _What did I do? Is it something I said. How bad was this secret?_ Then she put her head between her knees and started to quietly sob. I froze. Lucy was having an anxiety attack in from of me and I didn't know what to do. "Are-are you crying? Lucy i'm sorry I was just teasing. Please don't cry i'm sorry." I started to walk towards her and then she screamed. "DON'T COME NEAR ME" okay now something was really up. I knew she would be mildly upset, but now enough to be having a panic attack, sobbing and screaming at me. So I didn't stop walking towards her. As i sat next to her so was still sobbing but much more loudly."lucy…" I said in the softest tone I could manage, which was pretty good. "You're really scaring me. Can you tell me what's going on."

"I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I CAN'T" She became in a whimper but slowly became more pronounced.

"Why can't you tell me? You're really starting to scare me."

"Because if I do, you'll hate me, you'll be disgusted with me. I mean way more than you already are."

"LUCY!" She looked up, shocked at my volume and tone. I calmed myself and tried again. "Lucy. I can't hate you. You're too loveable. And why in the fucking hell would if be disgusted with you."

"Well if your not then you will be if I tell you"

"Stop it! Lucy can't you tell! I'm your best friend! You can trust me! I care so much about you. I don't hate you and I never fucking will. So stop making assumptions and tell what the hell is going on"

She looked like she was pondering my statement and I was too. Hot weather, long sleeves. I knew it had to be about her clothes. Maybe her arms. But what couldn't she show me on her arms. So I slowly said in a soft tone. "Lucy roll up your sleeves."

She froze. Like seriously froze. And then told me "no"

Bingo. I was right it had to be about her arms. But still what? So I tried again in a firmer tone. "I said roll up your sleeves."

Tears started flowing faster than ever. "I said no. please drop in natsu."

"I refuse to drop it"

 **Normal P.O.V**

Then natsu grabbed her wrists. She screamed, kicked and cried but she was no match for natsu's strength. Natsu then rolled up her right arm quickly, but froze immediately. Lucy stopped fighting. The damage had been done. He knew and her life was over.


	2. Exposed

So many thoughts were going through natsu's head. _This can't be real I wouldn't want anyone to do this to my precious lucy. And better yet, it was herself that did this to her. No, no this couldn't have been herself it had to be someone else._ He was totally stunned. He began to cry, no not cry sob. He looked at lucy and she had the most broken expression on her face. And while his thoughts were going crazy hers were worse. _Good jobs you fucking whore. Now he fucking hates you. Ha! And you thought you could have a whirl at a normal happy life! You entertain me. Well now that he is fucking disgusted with you you have 2 options. 1. Is become a prostitute on the street and be the true fucking whore slut bitch that you are, or 2. You fucking kill yourself because you deserve nothing! Absolutely nothing except a slow painful death. No you deserve worse. If that happens then you fucking take it and be motherfucking grateful you greedy asshole!_ "Why" natsu's voice interrupted her thoughts

"I'm sorry what?" lucy asked confused then she was thrown straight into reailty

"Don't you dare play dumb! I know what going on and you will not hide anything from me right now"

"I'm-i'm sorry…"

Natsu lowered his voice to a bit of a softer tone. "Now why did you do this?"

Lucy started to get mad. Like really mad. She ripped her wrist away from natsu and stood up. She had angry tears roaming in her eyes. "You don't understand! You just don't understand natsu! You have no idea what it feels like! To feel worthless. To feel useless and to have people like you out of pity. You just don't underst-"

"Wait wait, hold on. You said people like you out of pity. Are you talking about fairy ta-"

"Yes, of course I am! Everyone there doesn't like me and I know it. I don't even know why you like me or anyone on our team! I'm useless when it comes to a fight and without my keys i'm more useless than uselessness itself. Natsu you don't have to care anymore. I'll understand. Just stop feeling pity for me and move on! "

"Lucy…" Natsu was so confused on where this came from. "I don't understand"

"Of course you don't! Everyone likes you natsu! I mean what's not to like! You're loyal, kind, strong, funny, and so much more."

"When did you start this so called habit"

"I-uh-I-uh don't want to say it."

"TELL ME LUCY!"natsu snapped

She let out the angry tears that formed into sad ones. "The day I came to the guild" she whispered.

He gasped. "Why what did I do wrong"

"You did nothing wrong, the exact opposite, you did everything right and it made me feel worthless, but I have to make everyone happy so I kept up with this lie and eventually I believed it. So don't get me wrong, I love the guild and everyone in it except one person. Me. I don't feel like I belong there."

Natsu's mind was going insane. _Lucy… don't you see! I am in love with you. I think you're worth everything. I would die for you but you wouldn't do the same for yourself. You've always been funny, strong, beautiful and skinny. Maybe too skinny. I never noticed but she unbelievably skinny._ "Hey luce, why are are so unnaturally skinny"

"I refuse to eat when i'm not exposed to the public eye. When i'm in the public eye, I eat only enough and then throw it all up."

"Luce…" then out of the blue a small hand wrapped around his neck and his eyes popped open.

"I-i'm so sorry natsu!" She sobbed and natsu then returned the embrace.

"lucy, you need to get help. I'm taking you to the guild."

"NO! Don't do that! I'm not ready! Please Natsu! Please don't do this!"

Lucy sprang up and got as far away from natsu as she could. natsu rose slowly and crept towards her with his hand up palms facing upwards. "lucy, please let me take you to the guild. I care too much about you to let this go. please let me"

"No natsu"

"how about I take you to just mira. She knows how to handle these situations. just Mira I promise"

Lucy took a deep breath and whispered "Just Mira..."

"Yes only Mira, I promise"

"OK, then I guess that's fine Just please let me get changed."

"Fine, I'll be waiting here"

lucy grabbed some clothes and ran into the bathroom. She quickly got changed and then went the the corner of the bathroom and sat down. she then, pulled her knees to her head and sobbed. _Natsu found out. Everything is over now. you probably hates you. I don't want to get help. I don't deserve help. So why is he helping me?_ Lucy continued to sob until a knock on the door awoke her from her toxic thoughts.

"lucy what's taking you so long you've been in there for 20 minutes."

 _Shit. What the fuck do I say?_ "Sorry Just thinking." she tried to make her voice sound as happy as possible, but her voice broke and even without that he wouldn't have believed it either.

Natsu then opened the door. "HEY PRIVACY BUDDY!"

Natsu didn't care he walked over to her, picked her up and walked out of the bathroom. He sat her on the couch, on his lap like she was 5. "Why are you crying lucy? there's nothing to cry about. You're gonna get help now. You're gonna get better now. What's there to be upset about?

"you see natsu! you don't understand! I don't deserve help! I don't deserve you or anyone even remotely nice to me. I deserve something worse than death itself. why can you see that!"

"Lucy, you deserve everything. how can you be so cruel to yourself. Can't you see that I love and care for you and I will do anything in my power to make you know that"

lucy blushed. "I still don't want to go"

"welp you have no choice then.

Natsu picked up lucy and cradled her in his arms. Lucy only sobbed into his shoulder and he didn't care. He walked to the guild while whispering sweet things like "everythings gonna get better now." "you're going to be ok" "you will be fine" "you mean the world to me" and so on and so forth.

When he got to the guild and kicked open the door. This action was a natural thing, so no one really noticed until the looked at natsu. because what everyone saw was a broken looking lucy in his arms. "Mira! Where is Mira?!"

"Over here!" Mira rushed to natsu and lucy. "what's up with lucy?"

"meet me in the infirmary please"

Natsu walked up the stairs with lucy still in his arms and mira trailing behind. Mira went in front of them and opened the door of the infirmary. natsu walked in and set lucy down on the bed and went to sit down on a chair. Mira then closed the door and looked at lucy. She took a deep breath and said "Ok lucy, what's up?"

 **Thank you all so much for reading! Please leave a review and i'll keep adding to the story! I'll always take constructive criticism and new chapter ideas! I'll be updating quite a bit because I'm on summer break and i'm bored as hell!**

 **Love you all!**


	3. mira

***I don't own fairy tail, (i wish I did though) I'm just, ya know, borrowing them. I love you enjoy the chapter!**

Lucy, instead of telling her just let the waterworks start flowing. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to! I was at a low in my life and i got in a- a habit! I didn't know it would come to this! Please forgive me Mira! I don't deserve help, I don't deserve anything! I'm so sorry!" Lucy just sobbed.

"Woah, woah! Calm down! I don't even know what's going on! Would it be better if natsu explained this situation to me. You don't physically hurt but you look mentally shattered."

Lucy looked at mira and nodded helplessly.

Natsu stood up. "So basically what happened from my perspective is I snuck through her window while she was showering and she came out in long sleeved pajamas. She laid down on her bed when i had a thought. It was 3 in the afternoon and about 95 degrees outside, so I asked her why she was in long sleeves when it was so hot outside and why she was home at 3 in the afternoon. She said she was exhausted and she was wearing the pajamas because it was the first one she grabbed and she was too lazy to change. I said that didn't sound like her and her heart beat faster. Then I knew she was hiding something from me and she stood up and I playfully backed her into a wall. Then broke down and started to cry. Then I put the pieces together, then forced her to roll up her sleeves." Natsu walked to lucy and rolled up her sleeves. Mira gasped. "Then she told me that she has anorexia and bulimia. I told her that she needed to seek help and she started freaking out saying that she wasn't ready. So we made a compromise to just see you because I thought you would know how to handle these situations. She then went to get changed in the bathroom and she was in there for like 20 minutes to I came in and she was there sobbing on the floor. Then we talked about why she didn't want help and she said that she didn't deserve help. She deserved something worse than death. And I carried her here and now here we are."

Mira was speechless. _How could this be. How could she suffer the same fate as lisanna? How did I not notice the signs. Her unbelievably skinniness, her refusal for a simple compliment. I'm so stupid!_

"Of course I'll help you lucy!" Mira tried to sound sweet and innocent but couldn't. She started crying. One of her friends were suffering just like lisanna did.

Mira went over to the desk and grabbed the first aid kit. She took a gauze pad and put some alcohol on it. She walked over to lucy. "May I have your right arm please?"

Lucy rolled up her sleeve and and handed it to Mirajane. Her right arm had the fresh cuts. Mira gently rubbed the pad on her skin. The alcohol stung and she winced in pain.

"Are these six cuts fresh?"

"Yes" lucy's voice was hoarse.

Natsu gasped _that means she cut herself before I got there. I was basically waiting for her to finishing herself to just look at her. I am the worst friend ever!_

Lucy heard natsu gasp and she looked at him to see him with tears streaming down his face. "Natsu, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. No one was supposed to know! I was planning on taking this pain by myself. You guys don't deserve to feel my pain with me. I deserve this pain and more-"

"Lucy stop! Fuck the I deserve this shit!" You don't fucking deserve this! You don't deserve fighting this battle by yourself! You're fighting 5 disorders by yourself! All 5 are extremely deadly by themselves! So please lucy for my sanity, please stop saying you deserve this and you deserve death and shit like that!"

MiraJane finished cleaning the wounds on her arms.

Lucy began to sit up when mira's firm arm gripped her down. "You really think i'll believe that that's the only place you cut yourself? Lift your shirt."

Lucy blushed deep red and motion natsu to look away. Natsu blushed a faint pink "Sorry luce, but I'm keeping my eyes fixed. I want to see the damage you did to yourself."

"Perv" lucy mumbled.

Lucy gave in and lifted her shirt over head and set it on the counter next to the bed. Natsu gasped and so did Mira. her stomach was basically non-existent. Her skin stretched over her ribs. She looked like a twig about to snap. Natsu was revolted by lucy's appearance and revolted with himself for not noticing the signs. How could he have not known?

"I know, I know I'm a disgusting fat pig"

"Shut the fuck up" mira and natsu said together. "You are not fucking fat! It looks like you're on your deathbed of how skinny you are!" natsu snapped

Mira regained control way before natsu did. "Lucy can we measure your height please?"

"Sure, i guess" lucy mumbles.

She walks over to the height measurer. Mira checked her height. "Ok 5 5'. Now lucy can you walk to the scale." Lucy then and there had a panic attack. Her legs then refused to hold her any longer and failed her. Lucy was about to fall to the floor when natsu caught her.

"Lucy did you faint?" mira asked concerned

"Luce, are you ok? What's wrong"

Tears welled up in her eyes as the panic attack carried on.

"I-i-i-i'm f-f-fine" she whimpers. Her lip was trembling so bad that it made it extremely difficult to talk.

"Is this panic attack because you don't want to see your weight?" mira asked with concern in her voice

"Or is because you don't want us to see your weight" Natsu asks

"B-b-both"

"Well i'm sorry lucy but at least i'll have to see your weight. Will it be ok if natsu covers your eyes so you don't have temptation to look at your weight"

Lucy nods weekly.

"Can you stand on your own" natsu asks.

"I-i-if y-you help m-me u-u-u-up."

Natsu then pulls lucy to her feet and walks her to the scale. Lucy starts trembling again.

"It's ok lucy" natsu says.

Natsu covers her eyes and lucy steps on the scales. Natsu and mira both try to muffle their gasps as the scale read 78 pounds. She is extremely underweight. (healthy weight at the lowest is about 122 pounds)

"How bad is it" lucy whispers as she steps off the scale and walks towards the bed.

"Ummmmmm, really bad. Your 44 pounds underweight."

"Oh… so I just have a an illusion imprinted in my head that i'm a fat pig?" lucy asks.

"Exactly! It's more of a physiological problem. But you've done serious damage to your physical appearance. I'm gonna clean up your wounds then i'm going to get wendy and she is going to fix your issues with weight." mira says

"NO! NO! Natsu you promised" tears poured over the edge. "Natsu you promised only mira would know"

"Lucy, i'm sorry. This is going to sound selfish but i'll do whatever to get you better again."

Lucy took a deep breath "I understand. But i'm scared the whole guild will know what happened. I mean, I love wendy, but she isn't good at keeping secrets or lieing."

"Sorry lucy, I don't know what will happen."

Mira was about to go get wendy when lucy stopped her. "Wait mira! Natsu said you knew how to handle these situations. Why?"

"God natsu you're gonna hate me for this one" mira mumbles "That's because someone close to me struggled with self harm, eat disorder and depression."

"Who was it" lucy as curiously

Mira sighed. "Lisanna"

Natsu's world froze. The 2 only people he had a crush on both struggled with this stuff. One he had saved. The other failed.

"Y-you gotta be wrong. Mira please tell me your kidding" natsu choked out

"I'm very sorry natsu, but it's true. And the sad part is, it was my fault. I had lisanna's idea of a perfect body. Skinny, strong, and beautiful. So she tried to be like me by not eating. We didn't notice at first, which made her upset. So she cut herself to relieve herself. I found out about this a month before she died."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS" Natsu's voice was enraged and his face stung with tears.

"Natsu i'm sorry. I thought it would be best if i didn't tell you please forgive me."

Mira walked out of the room to get wendy. Lucy slipped her shirt back on.

Mira closed the door behind her and walked down the stairs to see very curious eyes looking at her. Then everyone exploded at once with everyone saying things like "what happened to lucy" mira ignored them and yelled "I need wendy"

"Over here! Coming mrs. mira" wendy yelled. "Yes mrs. mira?"

"I need you in the infirmary right now. Please wait by the door"

"You got it mrs. mira!" She walked away and charle was following behind her.

"Im sorry charle, but you can't come with her. Lucy instructed for only wendy"

"Very well" charle walked away to go see pantherlily and happy.

Mira walked up the stair to see wendy waiting at the door.

"You may go in mrs. wendy"

Wendy opened the door and was greeted by natsu and lucy who both calmed down. "Greeting you two! Now will you please explain what's going on?"

"Lucy is struggling with depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia and self harm. Due to her eating disorders, she is currently 44 pounds underweight." mira explains.

"OMG LUCY" wendy exclaims. Wendy is already very emotional. So this made her pour down in tears.

"Therefore i need you to restore her to an healthy weight. Can you do that?"

"I'll try my best!" She walks towards towards lucy. "I need you to remove your shirt please."

Lucy raises the shirt over her head and places it on the counter like before. And just like before everyone gasps.

"Is it ok if I put my hands on your stomach?"

"Yes go ahead"

As wendy used her magic power to return lucy to a healthy weight. Lucy was mentally breaking down. _Fuck. fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Now you'll return back to a fat pig you originally were. But you can't let down your friends so I guess you'll have to live with it._

"Ok done!"

Wendy stepped back and everyone looked at lucy.

"You look gorgeous!" wendy said

"Much better!" natsu exclaimed

"This is how you're supposed to look!" mira said

Natsu was ecstatic that he wasn't going to lose another one.

While everyone was happy that lucy was going to ok, she on the other hand wasn't so happy. "That's all I could do. I can't heal the scars. But some older ones have faded a bit." wendy explained.

"That's fine. Wendy, thank you so much. You basically saved my lucy. Thank you." natsu said.

Wendy blushed. "So lucy, how do you feel" she said while turning towards her. Tear poured out of lucy's eyes. She didn't want this. She didn't want to feel fat anymore.

"Lucy are you Ok? Did I do something wrong"

"No, thanks wendy" lucy murmured and then basically ran out of the infirmary.

 **This chapter took so much time to write because I didn't know what direct I wanted this to go, but I hope you like it! please leave a review on any idea you have!**

 **I love you all!**


	4. helped

***I don't own fairy tail, (i wish I did though) I'm just, ya know, borrowing them. I love you enjoy the chapter!**

As lucy ran out of the infirmary curious eyes followed. Lucy ran down the stairs and out the door.

"Lucy wait! Come back! What's wrong" natsu yelled as he ran after her.

Lucy seemed unphased as natsu yelled and ran after she just had one goal on her mind. Get home and relieve her stress. She knew natsu was far faster than her, but she made a good effort before being tackled to the ground by natsu.

"I'm sorry. I just needed to get to you. Why did you run away?"

Tears filled in lucy's eyes but once more, she didn't care. She struggled out of natsu's hold and ran to her apartment. Natsu was frozen on the sidewalk for a few seconds until he realized why she was in such a rush to get home. _Her razors..._

"lUCY!" natsu screamed. The crowd passing by him gave him weird looks. He immediately stood up and bolted to her apartment. Unfortunately for him, lucy already got home and was running to her bathroom afraid that natsu was behind her. She slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it. Natsu got to her apartment and jumped through her window. He briefly searched the room for her but found nothing. Then heard sobbing coming from the bathroom. Lucy ran to the sink, opened the drawer, grabbed a razor and slit her wrists. Natsu then smelled the blood from her wrists and started pounding on the door. Lucy slit her wrist once more.

"Go away natsu!" lucy screamed.

Natsu smelled the blood's smell become stronger and accidently out of frustration and anxiety of lucy's safety broke down the door. What he saw was horific. Lucy was crying no sobbing while squeezing blood into the tiolet. He ran to her and grabbed the razor out of her hand, melted it and ate the scraps.

"Where are the rest of them?" he snarled.

"Now why should I tell you!?" she yelled back.

Natsu turned to the sink and opened random drawers until he found one almost emtpy. It had nothing in it besides one item. Her razors. He grabbed them and melted those as well. He turned to her with tears down his face.

"Please lucy, don't do this to me. Let's go clean up your cuts"

Lucy quietly denied but natsu dragged her to the kitchen to clean her wounds. While natsu was cleaning her cuts her front door burst open and erza, wendy, happy and gray ran through the door.

"Mira told us everything"

"EVERYTHING!" tears flowed down her face. "She promised this would keep it a secret."

"Lucy how could you do such a thing? We love you!" erza calmly said

"Does the whole guild know?"

"Yeah… sorry" gray said.

"Lushy! I'm so sorry! I didn't know my teasing hurt you! I meant as a joke! You're not heavy or fat or ugly! I love you lushy and i didn't mean it I promise!" happy cried!

"Well now that we found out, you will almost never be alone to ensure your recovery. Whether it be natsu, wendy gray or I, you won't be alone for a moment."

"You guys don't need to do this…"

"ah , but we do, you are our closest friend and we don't want to lose you! This is for us and you lucy." gray stated.

"Well in that case," she stuttered. "I will do my best to recover for you! For my friends at fairy tail!"

"That's our luce!" natsu said. Then he leaned towards her and kissed her cheek.

 **That's is the shortest chapter ever! Sorry! I just wanted to upload another chapter for you guys! Feel free to review anything that you feel like saying.**

 **Oh and also! Feel free to PM me any suggestions about where to take this! I need it greatly.**

 **Love you all!**


	5. oh that

***I don't own fairy tail, (i wish I did though) I'm just, ya know, borrowing them. I love you enjoy the chapter!**

Lucy didn't want to go back to the guild until later because she wanted the "lucy has depression and other disorders" craze to calm down first. Today was awful. First. Natsu found out, second, she gained 44 pounds. Third, her guild found out, and forth, she wasn't allowed to relieve her stress by cutting herself. Yep a horrible day. She sits herself down on the couch next to gray. She puts her hands up to her face tears flow down her face.

"Lucy what's wrong?" gray asks.

"Just leave me alone!" she yells. "I should just kill myself right?!"

"No you shouldn't. Lucy.. what are you doing." erza says.

she gets up and walks to her kitchen she picks up the butchers knife located in the drawer. "It would make everyone else's life easier first of all. And it would get rid of the toxic thoughts, second, and third, it would also get rid of the anxiety that is almost already killing me!"

Lucy takes the knife and puts it against her throat.

"Lucy… lucy STOP!" everyone bolts towards her in an effort to stop her.

She slits her throat and blood pours out of her wound. She lets go of the knife and falls to the floor.

"Lucy!" everyone accept natsu screams. Natsu is looking through her room for any other razors or something sharp. He bolts into the room and sees the what looks like dead lucy on the floor and wendy trying her best to heal her.

"Please lucy." happy cries.

Natsu runs to the blonde mage. Tears flow down his face.

"I-is she… dead?"

"No. she's about to though." wendy huffs out of breath because she is low on magic.

After another minute or so wendy stands up.

"She's going to be okay."

"Thank god."

"Right now she just needs rest. Her mind needs to recover."

Natsu picks her up and carries her to her room he sets her down gently on her bed and tugs her in. he walks out.

"She'll be fine. I'm staying with her for the night. You guys can go home." natsu says.

"Are you sure?" happy says.

"Yeah little buddy. Go with wendy. Bye guys."

"Bye natsu. If anything happens to lucy while we're gone."

Natsu shivered at erza statement. They all leave and natsu goes back to lucy's room. She is not in her bed.

"Lucy…"

"Natsu?"

He walks towards the source of the sound, behind her desk.

"What are you doing over here?"

"Hiding for my life."

"From…"

"Erza"  
"They all left. It's just me and you."

"Just you and i?" she whimpers.

"Yeah!" he tries to grab her arms out she lucy kicks him and her flies into the wall. "Oww! What was that for."  
She stumbles up and run to her bed and pulls the covers over her.

"Go away!"  
"What did i do?"

"Go away natsu." she sobs

Natsu walks up to the covers and pulls them away. She screams in shock and fear. He grabs her wrists.

"What's your problem?" he shouts.

Tears fill and spill over lucy's eyes. "Nothing… nothing natsu. Just got locked in my head. You know?"

"No i don't. But… whatever you say. You doing okay."

"I think so…. Can you let go of me please?"

"Uh yeah sorry." he lets go of her. "Why did you lie to me?"

"Lie to you? What are you talking about?"

"When I asked what's wrong, you said you got locked in your head. That was a lie. What's the truth?"

She builds up her courage. "Yeah i lied. I am not ready to tell the truth or my story. But the short reason of what was my problem was i got scared."

"Will you eventually tell me?"

"I don't know."

Lucy yawns. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

"Not before you answer my question."

"What is it?"

"Why did you try to kill yourself?"

"Oh that."

"Yeah that. One of the reason that i'm here, and the reason you have a scar on your neck."

"Well, I- um."

Natsu grabs lucy's shoulders. Her head snaps up, "calm down. You're shaking. I'm not mad. I'm more concerned than everything. So please carry on."

She takes a deep breath. "I tried to end my life because of a few reasons actually. One is it sounded like a good idea at the time-"

"Why?"

"Because… i thought if i did it, no one would care. I'm the weakest in our team. And no one cares about me anyways. Especially at fairytail."

"Especially… what is that supposed to mean?"

"Because… just because! I'm new. So if i leave, no one has a real bond with me, so it wouldn't matter."

"That's not true. I care about you. Our team cares about you."

"I'm still the weakest."

"In our team you may, but your one of the strongest in the guild." natsu realized that he keep interrupting her "i'm sorry. Continue."

"The second reason is because the urge to cut myself was so strong that i couldn't control my actions. Third, my toxic thoughts were actual driving me insane. Fourth. I was stressed."

"Why?"

"I was stressed natsu. Really stressed.i was stressed because a secret i planned to take to the grave got out, it got out by a person that makes the scary feelings go away most of the time." lucy blushed. " then the person exposed my secret to others and it spread like a virus. Then i felt scared because it seemed like people cared. It was… different. And i handled it wrong."

"You felt stressed because it looked as if people cared for you. But people do care. More specifically, me. And erza and gray. You know if you want a good secret, gray loves you. Also what did you say about a person who made the feelings go away. Was that… me?"

Lucy blushed a brighter red and turned her head away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Really?! I have that effect on you?"

"Yeah you do. But just… don't let it get to your head!"

"Thanks luce." he kissed her forehead and she blushed madly.

Eventually, they both drifted to sleep.

 **Chapter… something i forgot what chapter this is done! I'm kinda getting doki doki literature club vibes. (lucy is natsuki) but anyways, i read a certain review and will using that suggestion later on in the story. But with that, i love you all and review what you think and pm me suggestions as well.**


	6. jealousy

***I don't own fairy tail, (i wish I did though) I'm just, ya know, borrowing them. I love you enjoy the chapter!**

The morning rolled around and lucy stirs awake but she feels an arm around her waist. Who in the world was in her bed? She turns towards the source.

"Natsu!"

He stirs awake and tightens his grip on her bare waist because her shirt rode up at night. She blushed 20 shades of red that can compete with erza's hair. She starts to gently shake him awake at first. But he didn't even flinch or react a bit. So she did what she had to do.

"Lucy Kick!"

Natsu flew across the room and hit the wall. Now he was awake. He looked towards the source of his sudden rude awakening.

"Lucy what the hell?!"

"What the hell to you! Why are you sleeping in my bed when i told you so many times not to!?"

"Because we fell asleep while talking last night. Besides why did you wake me so rudely?"

"I always do that."

"Yeah but that one was more aggressive than usual. I didn't do anything else."

"Yeah you did! You were gripping my waist like a lifeline!"

He blushed a faint pink and rubbed then back of his head. "Hehe. sorry i guess."

Lucy rolled her eyes.

"Soooo… are you feeling better than last night?"

"If i'm not crying my eyes out or trying to kill myself than yeah i guess."

"Good to know."

Awkward silence. "I'm going to go shower."

"Your not going to do anything are you?"

"I'll try not to."

"Because i will burst in there even if you are naked."

Lucy blushed. "I'll try not to."

Lucy grabs 2 fluffy towels and goes in the bathroom. She looks in the mirror before undressing and sees her weight gain. Tears flow down her face.

 _You are fat again. No one will love you when your this fat. You aren't as skinny as you used to be. You are a disgusting pig. Don't eat. Don't eat. Don't ever eat again._

Outside, natsu took a deep breath through his nose because something smelled funny to him. _Water. Juvia's not here. Right?_ Sniffed again. _Nope juvia is not here, but there's something weird in this water. Well lucy is showering stupid. Don't call me stupid! No, she's not showering the water's not on. i can't hear the water. Salt. i smell a hint of salt in the water. What does that mean? Salt water. I read in a book once salty tears flow down her face. It was the first and last book i ever read besides being on a mission. Do tears have salt in them? Yes. yes they do. So what does that mean? Lucy. lucy is crying._ Natsu ran over to the bathroom and knocked nicely at first because he didn't smell blood or bile.

"Lucy…. Why are you crying." he asked in a sweet tone.

She sniffed and opened the door. "How did you know? I was being quiet."

He pointed to his nose. "The nose always nose."

She laughed lightly. "Oh."

"Why were you crying?"

"Because look at me!"

And he did and he saw a beautiful strong woman that he is proud to call his best friend and teammate.

"And what's wrong with you?"

She threw he hands in the the air. "You'll never understand!"

"I can try." he mumbled.

"What was that?"

"I said i can try to understand. If you explain a bit."

"Natsu, i'm fat! I'm ugly. This is why i never had a boyfriend before!"

"You never had a boyfriend before because you are not the weight you wish to be?"

"Exactly!"

"And what is that weight you want to be?"

"I ugh… i-i. I don't know."

"Exactly. You would have starved yourself till you die and then before you die you would say i deserved this."

"You learn fast."

"Well if it's a serious situation like this, then i will learn fast." his face turns serious. "Now lucy, please don't feel bad about your weight. Please please please don't. I think you were disgustingly skinny before and now you are beautiful. You were always beautiful though. So understand that."

Lucy blushed a faint pink.

"Thanks. That means a lot. Honestly."

"Anything for my best friend."

Lucy blushed again. "Stop it natsu!"

"Stop what?"

"Making me blush…"

Natsu chuckled. "Well i'm finally going to shower."

"You have fun there." before lucy closed the door to the bathroom, natsu's hand caught her wrist. "Are you sure your okay?"

"Nope!" and she closed the door.

As she went to undress, she looked away from the mirror so reduce the chances of another mental breakdown. She got into the shower and for once, she felt calm. She rubbed her hair and sighed, not because her hair felt nice to be scrubbed, but because she had no weight on her shoulders. She had people who… care? That will take time to get used to… hopefully. She ran the loofah around her curves and she cringed in disgust. She hates her appearance. And hates herself, but, people are counting on her to get better. Aanndd the weight on her shoulders came back. She turns off the water and grabs the fluffy towel and puts that one in her hair. She grabs the second one and dries her body off. She wraps the towel around her and exits the shower. She leaves the bathroom and screams because she forgot natsu was here.

"Jesus fucking christ natsu you scared me."

"You forgot i was here?"

"Yeah i did."

She walked to her dresser and grabbed her clothes. She goes back into the bathroom and gets changed, then brushes her silky blonde hair and does the side ponytail with it. She applies a bit of makeup to cover up what she thinks is her hideous face. She brushes her teeth afterwards because she forgot to do it before she put on makeup. After that, she left the bathroom. Natsu was still on the bed waiting patiently.

"Sooo, what do you want to do today?" she asks.

"I was wanting to go to the guild today."

Lucy's heart picks up. Her knees start shaking. Eventually her knees fail on her. She falls to the floor.

"Woah woah calm down."

"Guild…" she whimpered. "I didn't think i was allowed back."

"Course you are. Why wouldn't you be?"

"I thought everyone hated and still hates me."

"Course not!"

Lucy looks at him with frightened eyes. "Why doesn't anyone hate me?"

"Because they have no reason to."

Lucy's eyes fill with salty liquid. "Why do you not hate me?"

"Because I have no reason to. I have so much reasons not to hate you, especially right now." he pulls lucy in for a loving embrace. Lucy returns the embrace and cries on his shoulder.

"Thank you so much natsu. For everything."

Natsu says nothing. There is nothing to say at that moment. After a few moments he decides to speak up.

"Are you going to the guild with me?"

"yeah... yeah i will."

He grins lucy's favorite grin. Then to ruin the sentimental moment there was a knock on the front door.

"Who could be here?" natsu growls as lucy gets up to open the door.

She opens it and is greeted with her favorite ice make wizard. "Oh hey gray, what are you doing here?"

"Checking on you of course."

Lucy blushed, then natsu walked to the door behind her.

"What is ice dick doing here?"

"Checking on lucy fire brain."

"Stop fighting." lucy says.

Gray then put two and two together. "Did you sleep with lucy?!" gray snarled.

"No of course not!" natsu shouted.

Gray turned to lucy with was blushing a bright red.

"You did!" gray shouts.

"No i didn't dammit gray!" natsu shouts.

"Lucy's blush says it all!" gray shouts. "Lucy what the fuck?!"

Then lucy snapped. "So first of all we didn't you actual fuck. So i don't know where you got that idea. Second if you even did, why would it be your concern? Third, my sex life is not your concern. Fourth, sex is a touchy subject for me."

"You never said you were a virgin." gray says.

Lucy starts to cry and falls on the floor because memories flow back.

"Woah woah. I'm sorry. I never meant to make you cry."

"What were you expecting then?"

"Not this."

Gray then put two and two together once more. "You were raped."

Natsu snapped and used a fire dragon roar on him. Lucy continued to sob while they fighted. Then a few minutes later, erza came.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she yelled.

Natsu and gray froze. They turned towards the outraged erza.

"Hehe…. Nothing." natsu said,

"Well it doesn't seem like nothing! We have you two fighting and lucy crying like she's about to die!"

They all turn towards lucy to see if her statement is true. To their despair, it was.

"Hey lucy, it's okay. I'm sorry." natsu says. "What gray said wasn't true… right?"  
She continued to sob.

"What did gray say?" erza says cautiously.

"Maybe we should wait for lucy to answer that one." gray says.

"Right." erza agrees.

Natsu picks up lucy and cradles her in his arms. She blushes madly and struggles free of his grasp.

"Okay okay! I'm fine! Let me go!" she kicks free of natsu's grasp and then stands up and smoothes her skirt. "I'm fine now."

"So are you going to tell us what happened" gray asked

"Not yet."

"And why not?!" erza yells.

Lucy cowers in fear. "B-because i'm n-not ready!"

Erza straightens her posture. "I guess that's alright. Now come on, to the guild!"  
Lucy nods in agreement and she walks out of her apartment after grabbing her keys. She walks with erza in comfortable silence and natsu walk far behind out of lucy's earshot.

"Hey natsu." gray whispers.

"What ice princess?"

"Whatever, did you talk to lucy?"

"Depends on what i'm talking to lucy about."

"About her suicide pull yesterday."  
"Oh yeah. I did."

"What she say."

"I think you should talk to her about it."

"Dammit natsu tell me."

Natsu sighs. "She felt worthless, stressed, and she thought that if she killed herself then no one would care,"

"She thought that?"

"Yeah, i know."

"What are you talking about back there?" erza yells.

Gray and natsu give a look. "Oh ok." she replies.

"What am i missing here?" lucy asks.

"Nothing." they all say in unison.

Lucy gives them a look but forgets about it anyways. They walk for a few feet longer than lucy falls to the floor. Natsu catches lucy mid-fall.

"are you okay? What happened?" gray says.

"yeah, just clumsy, that's all."

"bullshit. What really happened?" natsu says.

Lucy didn't say anything. She didn't want to. Erza thought for a moment.

"when was time you ate?" she asked.

 _Shit. Well there goes my plan for lying._

"yesterday morning."

"no wonder."She turns to natsu and gray. "one of you carry her."

As soon as erza said that she regretted it because a fight broke out on who will carry her.

"I want to carry lucy!" gray said while using a ice punch.

"I was already holding her Elsa!" natsu said while using a fire punch.

Lucy scampered to her feet and ran to erza.

"i can walk to the guild you know."

"well you should have eaten if you didn't want this treatment."

She huffs.

Erza finally decided to step in between the fight. She grabs both of the boy's necks and lifted them in the air.

"i think gray should carry lucy because natsu spent the night at her place last night."

She let them go and they both fell on their rear. Gray jumped to his feet.

"ha! Ha pyro! I get to carry lucy."

Gray runs to lucy and sweeps her off her feet. She squeals in shock. Then blushes a bright red. Kicks her feet and flails her arms

"let me go!" she yells tears till her eyes. She felt and looked like a 5 year old, but she didn't care

Erza grabs her wrist. She stops and looks at her. Erza's anger melted away when she saw her face.

"you either get carried this way or on grays back. No compromises."

"grays back." She whimpers.

Gray gently sets her down and hoisted her on his back.

"better?" he sweetly says.

"let's just get this over with."

"Hmph!" natsu grumbles. "That should be me carrying lucy."

Gray turns his head and smirks Mockingly.

"I'm gonna burn you to a crisp!" he yells.

"Can't do that right now pyro." gray says.

"And why the fuck not?!" natsu yells while lighting his fists on fire.

"Because if you do then you'll hurt lucy." gray taunts. "Now be a good boy and get rid of the horrid flames." he freezes natsu's fists.

"Hey what the fuck?!" natsu burns off the ice.

Gray laughs. Lucy's face is a bright red. They reach the guild and erza kicks open the door.

Silence.

The guild sees lucy and the gang and everyone goes silent. Gray sets her on a bar stool.

"Uh… i'm here?"

Still silence.

"ummm… I'm sorry!" tears pour over the edge of her eyes. "I'm sorry I cut myself! I'm sorry that I refuse to eat! I'm sorry I hate myself! I'm so very sorry. But please don't kick me out the guild! I've never felt closer to people in my life. It feels like the family i never had! The only other person who made me feel this way was my mother and she is dead! It's the only place I forget about my insecurities, if only for a few hours."

A hand lands on Lucy's shoulder. She jumps and looks at the person. Erza had tears in her eyes.

"that was touching. Truly."

Lucy smiled sweetly. "everything I said was true."

Then the whole guild exploded. Everyone ran towards lucy. Ambushing her with questions and pinning her in a corner. Claustrophobia kicked in and sunk to the floor, hands clutching her hair for dear life. She couldn't take it anymore.

"NATSU!" she called. She waited a few seconds squeezing her eyes shut and praying that he heard her over the guild. Then screams were heard and muscular arms grabbed her waist and her eyes flew open and she made eye contact with onyx eyes and blushed.

"are you okay?" he frantically asked.

"i am now." She replied.

Mira skipped over to them, gushing over natsu arms around her waist.

"sorry about that lucy. They didn't mean to make you have a panic attack. They were just concerned for you. That's all. Why don't we get you something to eat?"

"eat? Food?"

"of course silly! Come on!" she grabbed Lucy's arm. "I'll get you your favorite type of pancakes…"

"NO! I don't want to eat! Please don't make me eat!"

"but lucy you have to…" natsu says.

"but I don't want want to!"

"too bad!" Mira slings lucy over shoulder and throws her on a chair then signals natsu to hold her down. He follows her instructions in fear of what would happen if he didn't. Lucy looked up at him with a broken expression.

"please don't make me eat… please natsu."

Natsu's grip on her loosened. Her expression of pure fear and betrayal broke him.

"But you gotta eat luce."

Mira came back with her food before lucy could even say anything.

"Eat." mira said sternly.

Lucy turned her head. "Your making me fat so you can be the skinniest model in sorcerer weekly. You don't need to do that mira. Everything about you is way better than me."

Mira rolled her eyes and shoved a forkful of pancakes in her face. "I said eat. If you want me in my demon form than so be it."

Lucy sighed. "I'll eat."

She quickly ate and she didn't realize how hungry she was. She finished her plate then turned to natsu who immediately let go of her. She got up and glared at him,

"You have no right to call me luce, traitor."

She stalked off and she saw erza motion to her. She followed her instructions.

"What's up erza?" she said casually.

"Don't what's up me! What happened with you and natsu?"

"Oh that. I got mad at him."

"Why?"

"He helped mira."

"With…"

"Forcing me to eat."

"Will eating is important. I keeps and gives you strength." she said while taking a bite of her strawberry cake.

"Well being skinny is more important."

"And that's the reason i wanted to talk to you. About your eating disorders."

"Oh…."

"When did it start?"

"Oh well… i kinda had it my whole life. I mean my dad" she trailed off. "… uh nothing nevermind!"

Erza's face looked confused. "Uh ok."

"It started with the rest of my problems! When i joined this guild!" she said all too fast.

"Why?"

"Because…. Everyone is so pretty and skinny effortlessly. I mean, your gorgeous an you eat all the strawberry cake in the world."

"Lucy… that's what you see in the guild. I had an eating disorder too. I threw up everything. I got over it eventually when makarov told me he would not let me be an s class mage anymore. Instead, i do intense workout when i go home to lose this weight, and, i'm fine with it."

Lucy gave a weak smile and gave erza a genuine hug. "Thank you for understanding."

Erza didn't say anything she get hugged her back.

*time skip

It's the end of the day and lucy is worn out by everyone talking to her. She has never received more attention in her life. She got a tap on the shoulder.

"Hey i'm sorry about this morning."

"It's okay natsu. Sorry i lashed out on you."

"It's cool. Ready to go home?"

"Sure. do you want to give me a piggyback ride? To make up for gray this morning?"

His face brightened. "YES!"

Lucy gave a warm smile. And jumped on his back. Before they left natsu screamed ha gray to make him jealous.

They got home and lucy got in her pajamas.

"You can go home now natsu."

"No dice. I need to ensure your safety."  
She blushed a faint pink and hopped on her bed. Natsu followed suit.

"Goodnight natsu."

"Night luce." he kissed her forehead.

Morning rolled around and they got up and did their morning rituals.

"Do you want to eat at the guild or here luce?" natsu asked.

"Guild. I don't feel like cooking or cleaning your mess."

"Fine with me!"

They walked to the guild in comfortable silence. But when they got there, tears filled lucy's eyes.

"What happened to the guild?" she gasped.

"We've been attacked." natsu snarled.

 **Sorry for the wait for this chapter! But i worked really hard on it so please enjoy. Leave a review or PM me any suggestions what so ever. Bye guys!**


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